Today I want to write about…
Today I want to write about…
What can I say?
I’ve been really frustrated that I haven’t been able to publish a post in more than 6 months. There are a lot of reasons that I haven’t, and I’ve tried to be gentle with myself, but it’s still really frustrating. I voiced that to Tim the other night, and he said soothingly to me, “Not every post has to be life-changing.”
And he’s right.
Right now it looks like this outside:
And the weather has trapped me indoors, giving me ample time to think/write/breathe.
So today, I just want to write about how I feel… today.
Today, I feel strong and weak at the same time. Strong because the past year has been so full of change and I’m still standing. Weak because I’m not sure I bear it well. Strong because I’m managing my anxiety better than I have in the past. Weak because it still sometimes washes over me in a wave. Strong because my counselor has helped me work through so much. Weak because I still find myself weeping over what I lost 6 years ago. Strong and weak, strong and weak. Will the ebb and flow ever subside?
Today, I wish I felt brave enough to name my rapist. To say his name out loud to someone who knows him. Because there’s a part of me that wants everyone to know who he is and what he’s done. If they only knew… would they believe me? What would become of him? Would he admit what he did or deny it outright?
Today, I feel exceptionally proud of our justice system for sentencing a man to two and a half lives worth of time in prison for multiple counts of rape and sexual assault. But I also wonder what will happen when the statute of limitations runs out on me. What does it mean that I’ve chosen not to report what happened? Does it strip me of credibility somehow?
Today, I wonder how many people are walking around carrying burdens that they don’t know how to talk about. Are people getting tired of me discussing this? Who am I hurting? Who will I hurt?
I guess today I just needed to write about how complex this whole process is, and how we need to give each other grace to grieve in our own time. How I need to give myself grace to grieve in my own time.
It doesn’t matter that it’s been over 6 years. It doesn’t matter that I never took my case to court, or that I haven’t told anyone the last name of the guy who raped me.
Grief moves… as it’ll move. There’s no time frame.
And that’s okay.
And not every post has to be life-changing, and that’s okay.
I think what I’m trying to say is just… just be where you are. Allow yourself to be there, and allow yourself to feel what you’re going to feel.
And know that how you feel is okay. Healing is a winding road and looks different for everyone, no matter what you’re healing from. There is no formula, there is no timetable.
So today, I do feel all those things above, but I also feel thankful. I feel thankful for the truth that it’s okay to grieve what’s been lost. I am thankful for a husband who holds me and allows me to be where I am. I am thankful for a job where I get to encounter the realities of life, in its hardships and its joys, every day. I am thankful for friends who listen and share and support. I am thankful for family who loves me unconditionally. I am thankful for a God who knows my name, my flaws, my anxieties, my dreams.
Today, I am thankful to be where I am, and to know that’s enough.
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.